Hiding Depression

Hiding Depression

It’s been months since I’ve had to lock myself in the bathroom at work because I couldn’t stop crying.  “Don’t be weak.  You got this. Breathe. Breathe”.  I would repeat to myself over and over again like a pregame warm-up.  The day ahead is the opposing team.  The tears fall faster than I can wipe them away.  “Come on, don’t be weak!” I tell myself again.  “Breathe in…exhale.” Shit, my eyes are red.  They’re going to know.  I fan my eyes with my hands like I am trying to put out a fire that burns behind them.  “Don’t be weak.  Don’t be weak. You got this.”  Another coworker asks if I am okay. “I’m just tired.” I say like clockwork.  I don’t even have to think about it anymore.  The words just flow.  “Yeah, you look tired.” The coworker says.  Ghee, thanks!  I think to myself.  But I just give a fake smile instead.  “You should smile more.” He says.  I want to roll my eyes so bad.  *insert fake smile* “I saw your makeup pictures online.  You don’t look like that when you come to work.” Another coworker informs. How the hell did you even see my Facebook? I am pretty sure we are NOT friends!  “Yea, I really only wear makeup for pictures.  It’s more of an art than beauty thing for me.”  I reply. “You should do my makeup one day!”  The coworker says enthusiastically.  Yea right. I think to myself.  “Sure! Just let me know.” *insert fake smile* Lord get me back to my cubicle.  “You look like you are gaining that weight back again.” A family member informs me.  Thanks. “You need to get out of the house more.” I can barely get out of the bed!  “Yeah I do. I’m always busy working on stuff for my business though.” “When are you going to get married. Don’t you want to have kids one day?” Fuuuuckkkkk.  “Yea, when the time is right.” *insert fake smile* “It looks like your hair is breaking off again.  Is it falling out?” Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have not been diagnosed with depression.  However, I recognize some of the symptoms.  Most days I am okay.  It does not interfere with normal daily activities.  The really bad days feel like I am having a panic attack.  I haven’t had one of those days in a while.  I’ve learned to handle hide my feelings well.  Instead, I pour into others what I feel I am missing.  If I am feeling unattractive I will tell another woman how beautiful she is.  If I am feeling unsupported in my businesses, I will support someone else in the pursuit of their dreams.  If I am feeling let down in my personal life, I try to help someone else who is struggling.  Maybe it is my way of building up good karma. (I am going to be able to cash it in one day!)  It has been a rough few months for me, health wise, financially, and professionally.  But I have noticed that I haven’t broken down.  It’s been months since I’ve had to lock myself in the bathroom at work because I couldn’t stop crying.  Maybe I am winning…

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